To plant is to believe in tomorrow.

The last couple of weeks have been a little crazy at our house.   Since the nice weather has hit we decided to redo the entire yard.  Our yard is an acre so this is no small feat.  We enlisted the help of Uncle Mark and Grandma a couple times which helped so much!  Mark killed all the grass and we've been plowing, tilling, smoothing dirt ever since.  Ripping out old juniper bushes, concrete, 12 rotting aspen trees, planting a giant garden and digging up an insane amount of roots in the someday to be lawn.  We've been trying to get it all done before we leave on our 2 weeks of reunioning.  But the Lord in his infinite wisdom sent us a rainy day on Saturday.  I was so grateful.   We woke up and took some family names to the temple that I had been working on.  This was the first couple that I had completed all the ordinances for (albeit in a backward manner.... I'm still learning!).  I've been to the temple loads of times, but I can testify that the power I felt from helping family receive their covenants, while keeping mine was tangible.  I'm so grateful for the temple.  I'm grateful that in the midst of hard, exhausting (but good) work, and in my busy pregnant life I can go and be filled with power, and joy, and humility, and happiness in the temple.  Pure Joy.  Deep Joy.  Down to the deepest parts of me.  

On another note.  We found out yesterday that we are having a GIRL!!  No one was more surprised than me.  I thought for sure it was a boy.  But I am so excited to have another baby girl.  Our little Sarah has filled our home with so much brightness I can't wait to see what this next little personality will be like.  I'm excited to decorate their little room in pink. (Sarah's orders).  Everyone was excited except my Sam who declared that he didn't like my belly anymore.  He was so disappointed.  But I'm pretty sure he will adore this baby just as much as he adores his Sarah.  He's been having the hardest time with his grouchy pregnant mama.  Sometimes being the middle child is rough!

Mothers Day 2018

See that tired guy on the other side of the table.  He's kind of my rockstar.  Man I'm grateful for him.  He let me sleep in, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen.  Thing is this doesn't just happen on Mother's Day.  He lets me sleep in all the time and if he's around in the morning he makes delicious egg burritos and he cleans up far better than I do.  Tonight for FHE we talked about personal revelation.  Stemming from President Nelson's GC talk.   This guy right here is the single best thing that has ever come from my own personal revelation.  Man I love him.  He still makes my heart do flip flops.   When he's in the room everything around me lights up.

My Zina Zee made me that rhubarb streusel cake with warm vanilla sauce. It was to DIE for.  One of my all time favorite desserts.  She even went out and harvested the rhubarb herself.   Also.  I hope she always wants to be my friend.  12yr old girls are the VERY best thing ever.   I love her.   I'm grateful for her shining example.  Her good friends, her passion, her grace.  She is turning into a beautiful young woman with righteous desires. 

We slipped down to Utah hunt for a new van.  We spent some time on temple square. 

Here we are on top of the conference center.  

 Sarah loved all the princess's in their white dresses outside the temple.

 I loved telling the kids about the time Grandma Judy took me on a date to the Lion house - even before I'd even been out on a date with Mark.   We sure do miss that Grandma Judy.  I always order the same thing.  Salmon, mashed potatoes, squash, salad and a Lion house roll with honey butter!

 Ah, Utah in the spring.  We love you!  We took the kids on a few little hikes (little because Wilson is a self proclaimed non-hiker and we have to coax him with baby hikes... :)

 Creek Exploring at the beginning of Spanish Fork Canyon

 Box Canyon with all the Thomas'.  We enjoyed s'mores and singing around the campfire afterwards.  

I'm not a perfect mother, and neither was my mother, or my mother-in-law or their mothers.  But there is one thing that they all had and if I can but pass that on to my kids then I will have deemed my efforts a success.  Simply, that it is through Jesus Christ that they will find happiness.  By serving and loving others as he did.  He is the way, the truth and the life.  

Hardship and Light.

Well, I'm not really sure if anyone reads this old thing anymore which is fine because I apparently don't write on it anymore either. :) .  However I went to find my journal today to record some thoughts and feelings and it was sequestered in the room with the sleeping 2yr old wild child that we have recently renamed tornado.  So ye old blog gets the words today. 

The last month has been a difficult one due to the fact that I am 10wks (today!) pregnant with baby number 6.  Hurrah.  If you anyone still reads your the first to know. :).  I was so terrified to take this step (which I knew deep down was the right step) that I fasted and prayed every Sunday through November and December for strength and future strength to bring this 6th child into our home.  I have felt 10x better than my pregnancy with Tornado (otherwise known as Sarah Louise), and there have been many moments when I have felt a direct correlation to the peace in my home,  as my children did their schoolwork, made breakfast, cleaned up dinner etc, and the fasting and prayer I did in preparation for this particular hardship.  I say hardship because pregnancy and I are not friends. 

Despite this peace and knowledge I was still feeling weighed down by my responsibilities and lack of energy and motivation in order to complete said responsibilities.  Like homeschool 3 older children, feed and clothe everyone (forget bathing that went out the window a long time ago), fill them up when their tank is empty, laundry, house cleaning, church responsibilities etc.  I tend to just give it all up and climb into bed with my blankets over my head.  Sometimes it's just so daunting.  Normally I love and relish in the busy-ness of our lives.  I love making meals, having my children home, teaching them, spending time together.  But I've just been so so tired.

I'm so grateful today for Latter-day revelation.  For the opportunity to attend the Solemn Assembly, to sustain President Russell M. Nelson as Prophet.  For the words that were spoken in conference directly to me for my current situation straight to my heart.  I am all filled up with gratitude, reverence, and awe for my Savior Jesus Christ.  For His great sacrifice that enables me to do hard things through His grace and power.  I am grateful to the power of testimony.  For the power to recognize when the Holy Ghost is speaking to me.  For the small and simple things in my life that open the doors of Heaven in my home.  I cannot explain that feeling when you know deep down to your toes that these things are true.  That Jesus Christ lives.  That He speaks to us through his latter day prophet Russell M. Nelson.  That the Book of Mormon is the word of God.  Sometimes our daily trials overwhelm us and cloud our perspective.  Grateful for the chance to reset my eternal perspective. 

    Tornado eating a well rounded Easter Breakfast. 

Traditional Pysanky Easter Egg Dying.

And the fun parent individually wrapped olives for an Easter April Fools Joke. 

I didn't even notice while I was hiding them. lol.. 

Faith over Fear.

This seems to be a recurring life theme.  I think it's a pretty good one.  I am so deeply grateful for faith.  For faith to do hard things.  Faith in a Heavenly Father who cares about my decisions.  Who understands my heart even when my actions and fear sometimes speak louder than what is in my heart.  I could make a long list of things that I am afraid of.  And another long list of things that I've been afraid of but done anyways.  Life is good.  I'm grateful to be a mom.  I'm grateful to take the steps into the dark that have brought me profound joy.  We can do hard things because we are not alone.  I'm grateful for Jesus Christ who makes all things possible.  Grateful for the restored Gospel of His church on the earth and the peace and joy that eternal families, eternal increase, eternal principles, and eternal doctrine brings.  The things of God last forever.  Faith over Fear dear friends. Faith over Fear.

Giving Thanks.

We are currently driving home from Utah.  I love to visit Utah.  These days our Utah visits are filled with deep nostalgia.  We no longer visit Grandma and Grandpa's house as it was sold last spring.  That is hard for us.  But what else can you do?  At some point we recognize that the most important things Grandma and Grandpa left behind was their family.  We have beautiful memories of Grandma's house: of kickball and football games in the backyard, of cookouts and breakfasts and sitting around laughing;  of caramel rice krispie squares and roast pork with clusky noodles; of Grandpa sitting at the bar meticulously cutting tomato after tomato for fresh salsa or sitting in his favorite chair with a glass of water filled ice; of Grandma staying up late with us because of her FOMO - but then getting up early anyways while the rest of us slept in.  Grandma and Grandpa's house was a gathering place.  Where people were welcomed and fed and loved.   Because Grandma and Grandpa understood that people mattered and relationships mattered.  And for that I am thankful.

Piper and Zina helping chop onions for thanksgiving day stuffing. 😎

These days we visit Aunt Marilyn's house.  In so many ways different but in so many ways the same.  The same people there to love, and laugh with, and heal with.   The same traditions of good food and gathering exist because we are all learning that its worth the effort to be together.  Because we are the most important things that Grandma and Grandpa left behind.  There is nothing more important then being together and creating traditions that honor their family.  Of course it's not exactly the same because it's all mixed in with a deep ache for those who aren't there but I feel so strongly that it's important none the less for the growing generation and the aging generation to remember who they are by being together.  Mark still made it to Payson for the ritual run up P-mountain.  I hope it was healing in some way.   I am slowly learning to let go of laundry piles and to do lists for hikes in the hills, and football games in the back yard.  Because at some point they will end for me, but hopefully not for my posterity.  If I haven't showed them what's important than who will?

After dinner at the Lion House in Salt Lake.  Getting ready to walk through the lights on Temple Square.  Sarah ran all over temple square at full speed and refused to wear a coat.  (She's mad here because her coat is on!)

The first time I went with Mark to Utah and entered his childhood home - I felt like I was home.  It is strange to think about and look back on because we weren't even dating at the time, but I distinctly remember the feeling I felt with when I entered Grandma Judy's house.

Home is a special kind of feeling
A feeling that the world is left behind you

Like a shelter from your cares that seems to want you

To be there

Home is that special kind of feeling

The feeling that you've made it all your own

Somewhere which you know is really your place

A place for living, your special place, your home

Home has a welcome kind of feeling

The firelight, and the warmth of hearth and home

A welcome that you know will always cheer you

Like a gentle fond "hello" that seems to touch you with a glow

Home has a quiet kind of feeling

An island when you need to be alone

A haven for the times you spend together

There's nowhere better, no other place like home

Giving thanks today for all the homes in my life both present and past.  For that special kind of feeling when I gather with people that I love.

Christmas Tree at City Creek shopping Center. 
We are still smiling after braving the millions of people on Temple Square!

Rice Pudding, Boreal Toads, and Jane Eyre

In August Zina and I went to Malaysia.  This wasn't something that I necessarily wanted to do.  I don't really have the travel bug.  I love my home and I love my babies and I see no reason why I should ever ever ever leave either.  But something inside me told me I had to do this.  It was one of those decisions in my life where the feeling was so strong that making the opposite decision was nearly impossible.  Our friends Tiff and Kyle were making it so easy by planning the entire trip from their home in Penang Malaysia.  Dubbed a Youth Leadership program for kids aged 11-19 Zina and I fit the bill perfectly.  A chance to catch up with old friends, see the world, learn about ourselves and others, serve in a strange place and draw closer together.  Done and done.  But this post isn't necessarily about Malaysia.  That would be a cool post.  But this post is what I came away from Malaysia with. 

 Tiff and Kyle did a fantastic job in their roles of leadership trainers.  I hope that my 11yr old daughter was listening to each session.  Tiff talked about our own unique genius that we have to share with the world.  If we weren't here NO ONE could fill the role that we were meant to fill.  What is my sphere of influence.  Who can I touch. What is MY mission in life.  What are my dreams?  How am I going to fulfill those dreams.  Who am I?  Great questions for youth on the cusp of determining who they are.   Don't wait until you are 17, 20, 25, 35 to start asking these questions, Tiff said.  Thumbs up.   I've always known the gist of what I wanted in life - I've always felt like being a mother was the number one thing I wanted to do.  I wanted a degree in Elementary Education simply as a back up in case I couldn't have children.  At least I could influence someone else's child for good! But I have been blessed with 5 beautiful children.  5 beautiful sensitive children and in the work load of taking care of their needs and supporting a husband through medical school and residency and bearing the load of moving 14 times in 13 years in between and during pregnancies and board exams I think I forgot to dream.   OR I knew I was living my dream but I forgot to feel it, to take ownership of it to make it feel like my dream. Or maybe those years were just plain hard.  Really hard with bits of joy and laughter in between.  Because that's life right.  The train ride that's just bumbling along with occasional breathtaking vistas on the way? Or maybe that was just my 2015/2016....  I digress.  I came away from Malaysia wondering what my dreams were.  What did I enjoy.  Had I lost my very identity in becoming Mom?  Well the answer is no.  I have a beautiful identity that is full of myriads of different roles, talents, and quirks.  Some of those things can be recognized now and some of those things might be have to wait and thats ok. 

Kyle talked mostly about leadership.  What it means to be a leader and how to be a leader.  And as I put the two topics together I realized that I had lost my leadership role in my home because I had lost my vision.  I longed for children that loved each other.  That wanted to be together.   That didn't fight, that didn't talk back.  I longed for the harmony that I felt growing up.  I wanted my home to be a safe haven for me too, not just my kids.  It's hard to feel safe when you have so much anxiety about what the next tantrum is going to be about and which thing is going to be thrown across the room and which child is going to be throwing punches with the look of pain and murder in his eyes.  Yes it was that bad.  Where was my dream?  Why was it not turning out like I wanted it too?  Malaysia was beautiful and relaxing and eye opening and brain growing.  But mostly it was just the step away that I needed with just the things I needed to hear to set me back on my feet running.  And by running I mean a slow terrified crawl towards change. 

I recognized that Tiffany and Kyle had something that I longed for.  A vision for their family with a plan on how to accomplish it.  They had thought up their vision - taken a leap of faith and moved their entire family to Malaysia and they were thriving.  While moving to Malaysia hasn't ever been a dream of mine, homeschooling my kids has.  On a little acreage away from humanity with a cow and chickens and sunshine and a garden. (It's a dream alright!)   But the voices of the world are loud.  What if they missed out on activities, on social growth, on academics?  My kids love school and have always done well.  Testing far above their peers in almost every subject.  How could I pull them out of something in which they were performing so well in?  What if I missed teaching them something really important?  I came home and had 1week before school started.  Mark dragged me to Rexburg for a solar eclipse and the whole time I kept asking him.  Should we? Should I?  You have to help. I can't do this.  I'm scared! We came home and I was exhausted.  The next day was supply drop off and meet the teacher.   As I pulled the kids out of bed to go get school supplies (all 5 at once solo....) I looked in my review mirror and it was clear.  And peaceful. And right.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't abandon my dream.  I told everyone to go inside because their hair brained mother had decided they weren't going to school this year. 

 I have a deep testimony of a Heavenly Father who loves us.  He is ALWAYS looking out for us.  He knows us better than we know ourselves and I promise you that if you put your trust in Him he will not lead you astray.  Is homeschooling easy.  No.  Are there somedays that I which I could pack them all out the door to the brick building that stands not even 1 mile away where all the other children go to learn.  Yes, yes and yes.  But,  this year (and it's only November people!) something miraculous has happened in our house.  My children like each other and I like them.   I mean we always loved each other.  But the tantrums have all but stopped (except for the little people and their allowed).  There is peace, laughter, and friendship in my home.  There is still bickering and sometimes things still get thrown.  But I feel peace in my home.  It feels safe to be here.  For me, and for them. 

 I don't know how long I plan on homeschooling.  But I know it's the right thing for my little family right now.  Simply because it has allowed us the time to love, to forgive, and to like being together.  It's given me the reins to take back the leadership roll with my kids.  To remember my dreams, to believe that my dreams are worth fighting for.  These kids are worth fighting for.  I'm so grateful their mine.

 So while we are learning about how to make rice pudding, reading Jane Eyre and catching Boreal toads.  What we're really learning about is each other.  And isn't that what life is all about anyways?

Sarah Louise 3mths

Sarah Louise.  3mths.  We just adore this baby so much.  She is full of love and light and laughter.  I love babies.  She is drooling like a faucet, gooing and laughing and smiling.  She can sit up with support from her pillow for about 10 minutes.  Everyone fights over her and she can usually calm any  sad tears just by being held. :)  She doesn't like it when Mom eats Jalapenos and sucks on her fist all the time to massage those teething gums!  At 2mths old she was 10lbs 13 ounces and 22 3/4 inches tall.  Wilson (8) has bounced her to sleep the last two sacrament meetings in a row just by rocking her and bouncing her on the church pew.  What a lucky girl. :)  And if our computer wasn't so ancient I'd sync all my Day One journal entires about her birth and my pregnancy.... but that will have to wait for a new computer someday.

She is starting to love her Jolly Jumper too!  And it's right by the laundry room so I love it too. :)  This Jolly Jumper is ancient!  It's a hand me down from Aunt Andrea Stewert and is probably discontinued for safetey reasons....

Oh Sarah Louise, you are so loved!