In August Zina and I went to Malaysia. This wasn't something that I necessarily wanted to do. I don't really have the travel bug. I love my home and I love my babies and I see no reason why I should ever ever ever leave either. But something inside me told me I had to do this. It was one of those decisions in my life where the feeling was so strong that making the opposite decision was nearly impossible. Our friends Tiff and Kyle were making it so easy by planning the entire trip from their home in Penang Malaysia. Dubbed a Youth Leadership program for kids aged 11-19 Zina and I fit the bill perfectly. A chance to catch up with old friends, see the world, learn about ourselves and others, serve in a strange place and draw closer together. Done and done. But this post isn't necessarily about Malaysia. That would be a cool post. But this post is what I came away from Malaysia with.
Tiff and Kyle did a fantastic job in their roles of leadership trainers. I hope that my 11yr old daughter was listening to each session. Tiff talked about our own unique genius that we have to share with the world. If we weren't here NO ONE could fill the role that we were meant to fill. What is my sphere of influence. Who can I touch. What is MY mission in life. What are my dreams? How am I going to fulfill those dreams. Who am I? Great questions for youth on the cusp of determining who they are. Don't wait until you are 17, 20, 25, 35 to start asking these questions, Tiff said. Thumbs up. I've always known the gist of what I wanted in life - I've always felt like being a mother was the number one thing I wanted to do. I wanted a degree in Elementary Education simply as a back up in case I couldn't have children. At least I could influence someone else's child for good! But I have been blessed with 5 beautiful children. 5 beautiful sensitive children and in the work load of taking care of their needs and supporting a husband through medical school and residency and bearing the load of moving 14 times in 13 years in between and during pregnancies and board exams I think I forgot to dream. OR I knew I was living my dream but I forgot to feel it, to take ownership of it to make it feel like my dream. Or maybe those years were just plain hard. Really hard with bits of joy and laughter in between. Because that's life right. The train ride that's just bumbling along with occasional breathtaking vistas on the way? Or maybe that was just my 2015/2016.... I digress. I came away from Malaysia wondering what my dreams were. What did I enjoy. Had I lost my very identity in becoming Mom? Well the answer is no. I have a beautiful identity that is full of myriads of different roles, talents, and quirks. Some of those things can be recognized now and some of those things might be have to wait and thats ok.
Kyle talked mostly about leadership. What it means to be a leader and how to be a leader. And as I put the two topics together I realized that I had lost my leadership role in my home because I had lost my vision. I longed for children that loved each other. That wanted to be together. That didn't fight, that didn't talk back. I longed for the harmony that I felt growing up. I wanted my home to be a safe haven for me too, not just my kids. It's hard to feel safe when you have so much anxiety about what the next tantrum is going to be about and which thing is going to be thrown across the room and which child is going to be throwing punches with the look of pain and murder in his eyes. Yes it was that bad. Where was my dream? Why was it not turning out like I wanted it too? Malaysia was beautiful and relaxing and eye opening and brain growing. But mostly it was just the step away that I needed with just the things I needed to hear to set me back on my feet running. And by running I mean a slow terrified crawl towards change.
I recognized that Tiffany and Kyle had something that I longed for. A vision for their family with a plan on how to accomplish it. They had thought up their vision - taken a leap of faith and moved their entire family to Malaysia and they were thriving. While moving to Malaysia hasn't ever been a dream of mine, homeschooling my kids has. On a little acreage away from humanity with a cow and chickens and sunshine and a garden. (It's a dream alright!) But the voices of the world are loud. What if they missed out on activities, on social growth, on academics? My kids love school and have always done well. Testing far above their peers in almost every subject. How could I pull them out of something in which they were performing so well in? What if I missed teaching them something really important? I came home and had 1week before school started. Mark dragged me to Rexburg for a solar eclipse and the whole time I kept asking him. Should we? Should I? You have to help. I can't do this. I'm scared! We came home and I was exhausted. The next day was supply drop off and meet the teacher. As I pulled the kids out of bed to go get school supplies (all 5 at once solo....) I looked in my review mirror and it was clear. And peaceful. And right. I couldn't do it. I couldn't abandon my dream. I told everyone to go inside because their hair brained mother had decided they weren't going to school this year.
I have a deep testimony of a Heavenly Father who loves us. He is ALWAYS looking out for us. He knows us better than we know ourselves and I promise you that if you put your trust in Him he will not lead you astray. Is homeschooling easy. No. Are there somedays that I which I could pack them all out the door to the brick building that stands not even 1 mile away where all the other children go to learn. Yes, yes and yes. But, this year (and it's only November people!) something miraculous has happened in our house. My children like each other and I like them. I mean we always loved each other. But the tantrums have all but stopped (except for the little people and their allowed). There is peace, laughter, and friendship in my home. There is still bickering and sometimes things still get thrown. But I feel peace in my home. It feels safe to be here. For me, and for them.
I don't know how long I plan on homeschooling. But I know it's the right thing for my little family right now. Simply because it has allowed us the time to love, to forgive, and to like being together. It's given me the reins to take back the leadership roll with my kids. To remember my dreams, to believe that my dreams are worth fighting for. These kids are worth fighting for. I'm so grateful their mine.
So while we are learning about how to make rice pudding, reading Jane Eyre and catching Boreal toads. What we're really learning about is each other. And isn't that what life is all about anyways?
